I have a confession to make. And it's one I did not think I would talk about here. My blog is for sewing and knitting frivolity - fun and fanciful things that I make and enjoy.
Last September I turned 40 and a lot of things changed. I've had a hard time reconciling my outside self with my inside self. In the past, I wasted a lot of time trying to fit in before I found the courage and contentment to let my true self out and I'm not inclined to go back. I'm the lady with the odd coloured hair, the mad novelty print dresses, and the handknit cardigans. I love Star Trek, Sherlock, and Phyrne Fisher. I like bright colours, the Muppets, and have the fashion sense of a 5 year old.
Somehow, with the advent of my 40th birthday, my love of these things this feels slightly ridiculous; as though I should shed this frivolity and adopt something more responsible. Or perhaps I resemble someone chasing after lost youth, which can go badly wrong and look quite painful, no? I think one of the reasons I've been struggling with blogging lately is that if I revealed my true age, somehow I would seem an imposter; someone trying to fit into a group to which she no longer had membership.
Today I read this excellent post by Tors at Girl, Meets Wolf. I chuckled at the 'middle age spread' and new hair growth in odd places. Seriously, my chin? And why am I now getting an attack of spots like some teenager?! Argh. Last December, my knee (which I dislocated at age 16) decided to hand in its resignation. Fantastic. Now it crunches charmingly every time I go down the stairs. The verdict? Wear and tear. The treatment? None. Just put up with it and eventually you'll get a bionic one. That should look stellar with my flamingo dress, no? I am too young to be this old!
Adjusting to being 40 when I still feel 25 has been a struggle. I'm sure my family and friends are tired of hearing me whinge about the changes (why is it that men don't seem to have these same changes?!) and my frustration with my personal style. I'm still struggling, but it's not as bad and I have started to be able to go with the flow of it all a bit better. While most of my more obnoxious novelty print dresses have been packed away, a good number still hang in my closet and I feel good when wearing them. I've been working on discovering and making new styles and silhouettes that feel comfortable and give me the same thrill of happiness that I experienced before.
This whole growing up gracefully thing is a farce, in my opinion. It catches you sideways and knocks you for a loop. However, it's not fighting it that is the true challenge. Changes happen over which you have no control and finding the positive in that is the true grace of it all.
I'm happy that my grace will still involve flamingo dresses. I could do without the grey hair, though.